Oprah? I’m sorry, can I get back to ya?

By the way, my book is done.

Seriously. I made some final little edits, changed a lot of names and turned the entire thing into my agent (I love saying that!). She’ll make some comments, I’ll make some changes, and then she goes out and peddles it to publishers. I wonder if the publisher that printed the Christian Archie comics is still around? Weren’t those the most depressing comics ever? I bet they’d do a fine job with my story.

I think it could be called, “The Good News.”

Now what do I do?

limber

My grandmother died last Monday at 6 in the morning. I was really grateful to be there with her in her apartment, with a circle of women who helped her go. What an experience the entire week was. I also found a bunch of letters from my dumb father that prove what a lunatic he was. It was like a therapy cruise!

The link is just to something cool.

PERFECT PEACE…In Portola Valley Ranch (232341)

PERFECT PEACE…In Portola Valley Ranch (232341)

When you read my book, just think of this room. I was just there day before yesterday. I think I made the bed, in fact. The same bed where I used to hide syringes. The same room I used to shoot dope in. Isn’t it just a miserable existence?

on vacation

Ok, I had to fly to CA on short notice (my grandmother is dying), so if you need me, call my cell. I’ll check messages as often as I can and will be back as soon as I can.

“and let Saddam swing in the wind. Good-bye!”

–Message from my kick-ass, staunch Democrat, atheist grandmother left on my answering machine during the first Gulf War.

See you soon.

Book Title Possibilities

Here are the choices I’ve racked up so far. Don’t exclude any just because you don’t get it, okay? They’re in no particular order. Any preferences?

While I Was Out
My Mind’s Made Up
Diane’s Nude Rap Sessions
Fog
Patricide
H
Something Came Over Me
I’m Okay, You’re A Douchebag
Revenge
To Err is Human, To Avenge, Divine
Don’t Shoot Until You See The Whites of Their Eyes
Never Put Anything in Your Butt
Go Ask Sari
A Smiling Puli
Title Schmidle, My Book By Sari Gordon – 15 Weeks on The New York Times Bestseller List (thanks to Mike for that one)

Song of My Week

I have to copy gnitter and taunt the law. I’m willing to spend time in the pokey to post a link to my just about favorite (I know, I’ll add it to my list some other time) music of ever all time right here!

Yay, it’s R. Crumb and His Cheap Suit Serenaders from their second album and every single song is so great, but Persian Rug will make you smile like a stoop!

112076222195678102

Instead of going to First Thursday for the Lookit Me Parade, we’re going to Betty’s tonight.

Who am I talking to? I only have two friends who read this and they live in Boston and Alabama. What is wrong with me?

The fruit of my loins

Okay, exactly how gay is it to name your bike? The Guzzi was easy–Black Betty. She named herself in opposition to a lifetime of NOT naming vehicles. Does the Ducati have a name? And how can there be a god if the best bike ever came in the worst fucking color imagineable? Oh well, I got it up to 115 last night, so who gives an ass about what color it is, right?

First clue: “douche-cock”

Check this shit out. I found my youngest sister and she’s a total cunt. I’m so proud!

http://catch27.com/cardx.php?id=187&browse=

Evidence of true genetic immutability. She’s more of a see-you-next-tuesday than I was (and I mean that in the kindest way.)

I can’t say for sure that’s she’s really demonic since I’ve never actually spoken to her or even met her, but let me be the first to say, “Please don’t hurt me.”

That’s all I need to hear. I’ll take five.

It will stare at you while you sleep.